Where's the Prize for This Fighter?

Tonight's blog was going to be about a different topic entirely, but I was waylaid before I got to my keyboard and now I realize there is a more pressing subject to address: fighting. I'm not talking about a barroom brawl, though I'm not entirely a stranger to that scenario either, but this time round I'm talking about the choice to fight for what we want in life, more specifically, for a relationship.

I have suffered with insecurity and low self-esteem my entire life and it has caused me to sabotage a number of relationships out of the fear that I might get rejected. As I've gotten older and more secure with who I am this hasn't ceased entirely, but it is less dominant. What I see now is that I am a fighter. I fight for those I love and I can forgive almost anything. Can you? Love means accepting flaws along with the benefits and people are messy. We all have a not so pretty side that doesn't necessarily fit with our version of the fairy tale, but that's life and it is reality.

My reality is that I have moved all over the country in pursuit of love, I've put my career and goals on hold because I believe that love is a higher purpose. At 37, however, I'm wondering when I become the higher purpose for someone else. When does my partner or husband put me first? It hasn't happened yet and I think I've reached my limit of accepting being second. So if throwing myself into love hasn't worked, maybe what I should do is to refuse it. We say the world revolves on love and it's all you need, but maybe I've been too eager. I love my husband, but it did not prevent his depression and our culminating downward spiral. My love didn't save him, but then again, when only one of you fights for something it may just be a losing battle.

So here's to not fighting for love. Here's to career and school and friendships over the love of your life. If the divorce rate is at 50 percent and climbing then most of us are doing something wrong and I have yet to hear any of them say it's because they didn't try. We all want to believe we are trying, but maybe that's the problem. I think I'm done. It is time to stop fighting for love, fighting for the partnership, fighting for someone to want me as much as I want them. You either do or you don't, but from now on, it's going to have to come from someone else first, because I just can't fight for two anymore. Treading water for one is tiring enough, save your own ass and maybe if you value me the way you should, you'll want to save mine too.