Bottom of the Bucket List

Everyone seems to have some sort of a bucket list. A laundry list of wonderful, adventurous things they want to do or places they want to see before they die. Well, I have one too and it is full of the requisite wonders and pipe dreams. That one is fine, but definitely not making my life any better. So let's make a new list. A list of bottom feeder activities that people do not and should not aspire to, but that might turn things around for me in opposite world. Let's list the top things that no one in their right mind would normally aspire to accomplish or try. Let's create a "bottom of the bucket" list.

Number one on my list is to take up smoking. I've been toying with it a while. For one thing, I'd love to lose five pounds and if I can replace half the food I shove in my face with fags (I suppose both the British and the American translation applies here) then maybe that will be possible. For another, smoking is cool. I don't care what you say. Any director who has ever lit a black and white film from the 40's knows smoking can instantly transform a scene and make anyone look cool. Brando, Hepburn (both Kate and Audrey), and Bogie I want to be you and make love to you simultaneously whenever I watch you smoke in a film.

I know people will gripe about cancer and addiction, well let me assure you I am not worried. I doubt I will ever smoke enough to cause legitimate concern for cancer. For that matter, I could just as easily develop cancer from the artificial sweetener in my beloved Diet Coke. Cancer sucks. I've lost family members to it, I have friends currently suffering from it, but lung cancer is probably the least of my worries at this point.  As for the addiction factor, I'm not really a substance addiction type person. I've been addicted to a few people, as a teen I was definitely addicted to drama, no doubt I am addicted to mashed potatoes and good vegan chocolate and more than once in my life I've worried that I am addicted to sex, but cigarettes? Nope. Not even a blip on the map.

I am a lifelong non-smoker, but that does not mean I've never smoked before. I enjoy it. I enjoy the act of lighting up, of holding it, cocking my head to the side to take a drag and turning away slightly from whomever I'm speaking with to blow it out. I love the act. I kind of hate the taste and the staining of teeth and fingernails. Smoking used to be elegant and associated with the privileged class. These days it's more trailer than transforming. Today, A-list actresses do not publicly promote the fact that they smoke. Smoking is more a dirty little secret than a status symbol, so say goodbye to the Hepburn-esque glamour of a cigarette holder or blue blood party with gold and silver cigarette cases, these days a smoking habit is more likely accompanied by a wife beater tank.

Today, as soon as I finish this blog and the bottle of vinho verde I am currently savoring on the patio of my favorite local market/bar I am buying my first pack of smokes. Despite having bummed them in the past, I've never purchased a cigarette on my own. American Spirit makes a line of organic fags and also light menthols which seem appealing. I like menthols. It's a smoke and a breath mint in one. I do so appreciate a multi-tasker. The Common Market, which is a supremely awesome corner market that offers cash and carry beer and wine or a place to drink it in-house, a deli, and other normal corner store conveniences, sells single cigarettes "so you don't have to commit" I was told by the semi-hot chick that works here. I am going to shop the single cigarette aisle like it's my job and hopefully one of my finds will make an impression.

Smoke 'em if you've got 'em and if you don't, go fucking buy some. Everyone knows smoking is cool.