Facing the Truth is Sometimes Ugly and Very, Very Lonely

What do you do when you are to blame for the most significant negative experience of your life? There is no one to comfort the transgressor, because that is the person who committed the heinous act, whatever it might be. All sympathies, all strong shoulders, all empathetic free beers are devoted to the person who is wronged. In our society, and in most I imagine, that guilty party is seen as undeserving of sympathy and without a need for it. I made a series of bad choices leading to a life I do not want and did not foresee for myself. Yet, here I am fighting it out every day to hold back the tears and the rage that I am not supposed to be entitled to.

Having something horrible happen to you is undeniably the worst possible thing. Events are out of your control and you are left to pick up the pieces, which unequivocally does suck. I'm not here to cry poor me because I screwed someone over and now I am alone and feeling lousy, but if we're on the topic anyway, I could kinda use a shoulder to cry on. Doing bad things does not make one a bad person and I don't believe I am unworthy of love or sympathy, but I'm not going around asking for it or crying in public. I don't have the luxury of those public breakdowns or sucking in friends to comfort me after my own selfishness and stupidity got me here.

So I self-sabotaged my life once again and now I am struggling with how to proceed. The normal Ame would behave just as I have been, with jokes, and deflection and the assertion that I am fine. A few whiskey's, a few wisecracks, and no need for any sympathy. I know I am in the wrong and I know that I don't deserve anyone to hand me a tissue while I cry it out, but it doesn't stop the pain or the self-pity. So in the spirit of this blog, I'm going to do the opposite of what comes naturally. I'm going to try to be real and honest and to put myself out there without hiding behind the attitude.

So look out world, because I am a mess. A big, blubbering, snot running down my face, wadded tissues on my floor, swollen eyelids, lonely mess of a woman. I made a mistake, I actually made quite a few mistakes and dodging the truth of my feelings and intentions are what got me to that point, so I'm not doing that anymore. I may end up crying alone, but I'm going to suck it up and have the ovaries to ask for help from those that love me. At last check, there were still a few of you out there, so stock up on tissues and whiskey, I'm going to need them both.